New little person

So, I think everyone knows that we are having a little baby. We are waiting until the baby is born to reveal the sex. I have to tell you that this has been a really interesting experience. I am due October 13. We will be in Washington D.C. by then and I am excited to have a change of scenery. The one thing I am not excited about is having to make new friends. I have so many wodnerful people I ahve met through school, work and church and I will miss them all so much. Such is life, right? Anyway, I thought I would update my blog really quickly. I feel the baby move all the time. He/she has sucha sense of humor. It moves all day every day, but when I aks it to move so Collin can feel it, it stops moving. The last couple of ultrasounds have been really cool to watch. We saw the baby yawn and kick me and move and do wierd things with its mouth. It was pretty fun. It's crazy to think that that kid has a whole life down there and it's perfectly content.

I once saw a blog where someone posted their ultrasound. IT was really weird. Maybe it was weird because it wasn't mine. It was still pretty funky. We are thinking about getting one of those 4D ultrasounds so we can see what the baby looks like,but those can be pretty scary sometimes. So here is what I really wanted to blog about.

When I told a couple people that we ahd some complications in the beginning of the pregnancy, I really expected people to just sympathize and hope that things would work out okay for us. Instead, I had comments like this...
"Oh my sister had those same complications and the doctor told her she would be fine and her baby died a week later"
or
"My mom had complications and her baby made it to full term and then it died within a couple hours"
or
"The same thing happened to me and I was sure it was going to be a miscarriage and I prepared myself for it"

What would possess people to tell me a story like that? Does anyone esle think that is weird? I would never tell a person horror stories if I knew they were concerned for the welfare of their unborn baby. I understand that people are tryigng to offer moral support to their friends, but seriously!!!!! I just want you all to be aware of this phenomena so you don't become one of those people. It is not encouraging to hear those kinds of things. It is also not encouraging to hear a friend say..
"YOu think you are haivng a hard time now, just wait until the next couple of weeks because you are going to be absolutely miserable! You have no idea how miserable you are going to be"

Why would you tell me this? What goes through a person's mind? Honestly, I have had some moments when I have really wondered "what the heck is going on with my body?" but I have not had a hard time and I think its because I have chosen to look at pregnancy as a great and fabulous thing and wonderful thing and not soemthing that causes you to be absolutely miserable for nine months. If you have those thoughts running through your head, imagine what your baby must be feeling? Your kid is going to come out thinking he's nothing but a burden to his family. I do think that pregnancy can cause you to feel miserable, but honestly, how many of us are to the point of death for the whole nine months? These are my feelings. Please try to say only uplifting things to me because I am tired of hearing about people's horrible birth and pregnancy stories. Only share positive ones. Thanks.

A little bit about myself

Here is a picture of us in Nice two Christmas' ago. It was very chilly, but it was great. I think we spent Christmas day in Nice and New Year's in Rome. We were also pick-pocketed in Nice, so it had its goods and bads.

I decided that I would write a little bit abut myself. I know this sounds vain, but I realized that I listen to people talk about themselves everyday, but no one ever asks me about me. So, I decided that you get to hear about me. I have been reflecting on my life the last couple days, and realized that I have a great one. Both Collin and I have finished graduate school, we have great careers, we are expecting a little baby in October, we live in a city that never sleeps, we have great friends, we are both healthy, we never go without, we live in a prosperous and great country, we really have a great realtionship, and have a knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel. It's hard to remember all of the wonderful things you have when the world is so focused on pointing out our personal flaws and getting them "lasered" or implanted in some way or form. Every time I watch the news, I am reminded of how wonderful a message the prophet has in reminding us to be positive and happy. Even when the world seems like it is horrible, there are so many things for which to be greatful.
I realized that even though there are some things that make me cringe when I think of them, I would not trade any life experiences or choices I made for anything in the world. One of those decisions was to marry Collin. This is a little personal, but I was thinking about how licky I am to have him. I was suddenly struck with this thought.....as much as I get frustrated with Collin and as much as he bothers the heck out of me sometimes, I try to look at him the way God sees him. I am sure that in the preexistence, Collin was so perfect...such a strong and valiant and powerful sprit. I am sure he was such an important part of our Heavenly Father's plan and God knew he could count on him to be a great member of this church and to continue to build his kingdom and entrusted him with these responsibilites. I believe the imperfections of mortality and humanity clud my vision of what Collin really is like. I am clouded with his insecurities, my insecurities, and my personal frustrations. Suddenly I am filled with this desire to be his equal and counterpart, for someone of such integrity and potential needs someone equally as worthy. I am motivated to see him differently and understand him more and appreciate him more. I still have to remind myself that we are all human and I need to look at him that way, but I live it when I don't have to force myself to remember and it comes to me naturally like when he is asleep. I know htat sounds rude, but what I mean is that it is quiet and I don't have any distractions around to cloud my perfect vision on him. what a great feeling.

what about Bob?

Collin and I decided that our lives could be a movie.
I have a client that makes me feel like Richard Dreyfuss in What about Bob? It's a story about a therapist who has a psycho client who follows his family on vacation and drives him mad. I have a client that somehow calls my cell phone number, writes letters to members of her Stake Presidency regarding her church records and tells them to call me if they have any questions, opposes the sustaining of her bishop in church at every ward conference, drives my secretaries mad, and leaves me about 6 messages a week. I started out with great compassion, but now I pull my hair out on a regular basis. My supervisor laughs at the whole situation. He seems to find humor in it.
As for Collin, he interviewed with the CIA and couldn't say much about the interview itself except for "everything yousee in the movies about the CIA and its secrecy is true". I thought that was interesting. If a camera crew followed him around it would be like that movie The good Shepard or The bourne Identity. There are a couple of other things that I am not at liberty to say right now, but it is incredibly creepy and funny. I will add it to my blog in a couple of weeks.
In St. George a couple weeks ago, we ran into some polygamists and i tried to take some pictures of them on my cell phone. They were the typical kind you think of when you hear of Warren Jeffs...long dresses and long hair. I have never seen a plyg before and i have to admit, it's quite fascinating. I know it is rude to stare and take pictures....I would hate it if someone did that to me, but it really was incredible. I wish someone had a camera and follwoed us around that day. The interesting thing about that experience is that I think the plygs were just as fascinated by me as I was by them.

old patterns

I had an interesting experience this week. I guess I should preface this experience with the story of my tow year battle. For the last two years I have really struggled with something. I have struggled with being happy with who I am. I have always felt like I never really belong. Maybe I don't feel like I don't belong, necessarily, but I have always felt like I am a little part of everything and every group I come into contact with. In high school I was a jock/orchestra geek/brainiac and i was friends with the goths, the jocks, the cholos, the jewish kids, and the gangsters. I never belonged to one particular group. I have always felt this way and I have always been fine with it.....till recently. I would go to work and hear the women at work talk about women wasting their lives on marriageand children. I would go to church and hear women in my presidency talk about how women who work did nothing important or significant because they didn't stayhome with their children. Again, I was in the middle. I always imagined my life with a house full of great kids while pursuing additional goals like having a great career. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had to choose. I really didn't like that feeling.

I would go to Bunko and the girls there would be taling about their families and everything they did with their children, then go to work the next day and hear my colleagues talk about some of the most challenging academic experiences they have ever had. I remember having a conversation with a member of my husband's family about maybe getting a doctorate someday and feeling like it was somewhat taboo....then I would talk to a member of my family of origin and they would tell me that i would never be anything until i had a doctorate. talk about mixed messages.

I cried over this, and I prayed over this, and I flet anxious and nervous whenever I was around one of the two groups. After two years, this light bulb kinda flashed in my head and I realized that it has nothing to do with these tow groups of people and everything to do with me. As long as I was happy with my life and my accomplishments, it matter what other people thought. This brings me back to my original thought.

I had a session with this black lady who told me all the things she hated about other black members of the church. She listed several things and I quickly realized that everything she listed was a description of my life. I suddenly felt so small. It was horrible. After about ten minutes of lisening to her, I thought "I have to make sure her personal opinions do not influence the way I treat her". I went home that night and thought about the expereince. I tried to figure out why I felt so distraught earlier and i realized that I hate the thought of being judged. I hate the thoguht of someone assuming certain things about me when they could actually take the time to get to know me and appreciate that we have so much in common. Then I remembered that I need to be happy with myself and that is all that really matters. THe minute that thought came into my head, I felt a peace of mind. I thought i had learned that lesson a while ago, but it seems to come back in other ways. I thought that was interesting.