Catch up

I have to catch you all up on what we have been up to lately. We really have been able to do some fun little things recently. The first is being able to go to Monticello (the residence of Thomas Jefferson). It was pretty neat. It is located in the middle of nowhere, but the drive was absolutely beautiful. I would dare to compare it to driving through the tuscan valleys of Italy. They are both just the most beautiful landscapes. I think I like Monticello more than Mt. Vernon. There was such a peaceful laid-back vibe about it that was very pleasing....part of that could have been the fact that there weren't quite as many tourists. I think we were there the beginning of November, so the weather was great and the leaves were starting to turn. It was a great day. It reminded me (again) how fortunate we are to live in this country at this time. MOST of us don't have to worry about our husbands/brothers/fathers going to fight a war while we try to get by in a developing nation. Our families are not being torn apart. We can vote and work and be happy. what a great gift.







For thanksgiving, we had a few couples from the ward that we wanted to get to know better, so I cooked a turkey! Not only did I cook the turkey, I cooked green bean casserole, Joanne's potato rolls, yams, gravy, home made mac and cheese (not the kraft kind) and a pumpkin cake. It was delicioso! I wish I had thought to take pictures, but we were so hungry, we didn't think of it.

After Thanksgiving, I had a chance to tour the Senate building dowtown and the US capitol building. I did remember to take pictures of this.



This is lady Liberty. I can't remember the whole story behind her but it is cool. (My brain has not returned) I am sure you can look it up online. What is interesting about her is that every thing about her is symbolic. From the position of her sword, to where it is placed, to the crown on her head, to her posture. Really interesting. We also toured the capitol building and I have a million pictures of this but I will only post a few. the inside of the Capitol Building is reminiscent of old European churches and the artist, , was Italian and used fresco as his medium. It is quite impressive.


This is the ceiling in the walkway between the Senate building and the Capitol Building.


It was a ton of fun. Collin and I also had a chance to go to "Christmas at the White House" where they let you tour parts of the white house and the decorations. It was really neat




Now for one of the proudest moments of my life...I was watching "Semi Home-made" with Sandra Lee on the food network and she had this fantastic idea. She made a centerpiece out of some candles and wrapping paper. This may not be anything special to anyone who crafts on regular basis, but this seemed so easy and DO-ABLE that I had to try it. I made this centerpiece for our Christmas party. I am still beaming of pride. It looked much better in real life than in this photo.



The weekend before Christmas, we had this crazy idea to go to New York and see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center and the windows and the Statue of Liberty. Here are some pictures.







Josiah looked like Ralphie's brother and we had to take a picture of him in his little snow suit. If you didn't notice, it was FREEZING!




On Christmas morning, Josiah let us know how he felt about his gifts:



I apologize for not sending Christmas cards, I just never got around to it. Maybe next year. I think I say that every year.

I'm back baby!!

I did it. I finally went to the Apple store to get my MAC fixed. I went on a Thursday afternoon at 1:40pm and it was still ridiculously crowded. I walked into the mall as happy as can be and I walked out ready to have a heart attack. Don't these people work? What are they doing at the mall in the middle of the afternoon? If I didn't know it was Thursday, I would've guessed it was black Friday. This is why I don't go shopping.

Here is my five minutes worth of complaints.....

I like to consider myself a calm person...but when I am in the midst of a crowd, I turn into a monster. I don't care how old you are or what disabilities you have, I will elbow and push my way through just to get out of that place. I am not proud of this weakness...it really brings out the worst in me.

More than anything, I now have an appreciation for the elevators at the mall. The elevators should be reserved for those who are UNABLE to easily wak to the nearby escalator and stand on it as it travels to the next level. I find myself getting so angry waiting for the elevator for 15 minutes with my stroller and kid in hand, only to see that the elevator is full of able bodied people who are too lazy to walk ten steps to the left to the escalator.

Enough complaining. Here is what you have all been waiting for.

P.S. I would like to send you all a XMAS card, so when you comment, would you mind leaving your address?
















Just before church




Asleep with his bum sticking up in the air. This is his favorite position.

Josiah Benjamin Webster

I've uploaded a couple pictures of Josiah. He looks nothing like he did 2 weeks ago. Everyone keeps telling me that he is tiny, but he looks twice as big to me as the day he was born. Here are his stats: born: Oct.2, 2007 5:04pm, 6 lbs. 13 oz, 20 inches long. The first thing we noticed about him was how dark his hair is, how freakishly long his toes and fingers are, and how calm he is. He didn't cry in the hospital when they gave him his shots, he doesn't cry much now, and he didn't cry when at his two week check up when they gave him another shot. At his two week check up, he weighed 7 lbs 9 oz. This kid seriously eats us out of house and home. He is cute though. As soon as we get our new camera to work, I will add some more pictures.

My birthday

Monday the 24th was my 26th birthday. If you know anything about me, you will not be surprised to know that the whole weekedn was my birhtday weekend. It was great. On Saturday, we went up to Mt. Vernon (the residence of George Washington) where they were displaying a replica of The Godspeed; one of the first ships to sail into Jamestown. It was really interesting to learn some of the history of Jamestown and how the settlers, Natives, and African slaves lived during that time. Here is a picture of the Godspeed.



Before Mt. Vernon, we had a wonderful little picnic next to the Potomac River. It isn't a beautiful river by any means, but the history surrounding it makes it pretty special. After Mt. Vernon, we came back to our house and ate dinner. I bought a Tres Leches cake from this Latino bakery down the road and it was DELICIOSO!! It was ten times better than my baby shower cake and everyone seemed to enjoy it. Oh, the attendees were Gavin and Cheryl, Elizabeth and her children Jackson and Lindsay and Collin and I. It was great.

On Sunday, Elizabeth made me a special birthday dinner at her house. Instead of cake, ( I am not allowed to eat too many sweets because I am on a special diet) we had sugar free pudding. It was quite tatesty actually.

On Monday, the actual day of my birthday, Collin and I walked around a little Urban town not too far away from us called Shirlington and ate Mexican food at Guapo's. It was great. I had a fantastic birthday weekend.

One of the gifts I recieved was a game for my Nintendo DS ( I got the DS for free when we signed up for cable and internet) was a game called Brain Age 2. If you don't know what it is, I will explain. It is a game that trains your brain using several different techniques. When you first begin, the game tells you what your current brain age is. My brain age was 80 yeas old yesterday. Today it was 46. The idea is to keep it around 20. The more you train, the less the game makes fun of your stupidity. Collin must use his brain much more than me because his age started at 49 and went down to 29 today. The idea is to use the game to keep your brain young...you know...use it or lose it.

I had a great birthday. Thanks to all my friends and thanks to all who called me and sent me emails. I felt very special.

Amercia's youth gets dumber by the minute

You have to copy this link into your search engine. I was so confused, that I couldn't even listen to the whole thing. I hope some of us will be sure to teach our children the importance of a good education and the value of being able to articulate oneself. Poor girl, I actually feel bad for her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WALIARHHLII&mode=related&search=

Show some respect

So we finally have everything we need for the baby. We finished putting together the crib, the pack and play, the stroller (who knew you had to put that together?), our changing table and our bookshelf. I think our child has heard every single swear word before it has even come into this world. Our dresser was purchased from Ikea and that was probably the hardest peice of furniture to assemble. First of all, there are no words, so you have to follow the pictures. Don't these people know that we Americans need pictures AND words?! Poor Collin. I let him tackle that one on his own.

I spent a good 45 minutes putting together the stroller. I couldn't believe I had to assemble that son of a gun. The crib was easier to put together than the stroller. The worst thing was the pack and play. No one tells you that you have to read and follow the directions. Isn't that false advertising?...pack and play? You may think I am slightly retarted, but I promise, this sucker was really difficult. I had to call in reinforcements. (Thanks Cheryl for helping me) Anyway, I just wanted to complain about having to assemble all of these products. I think we should get a special discount for having to do this on my own.

Stay at home...almost mom

Collin says that I shouldn't report this, but I will rub it in. I honestly feel like I have slaved away the last 8 years of my life when I consider that these last years have been nothing but working fulltime or going to school or both. I am not working right now, and I couldn't be happier. Here is my current schedule: 7:45 am - Say goodbye to Collin as he goes to work. 7:46 am - roll over and go back to bed 10:00am - wake up and make a mental list of things I want to do for the day 11:00 - get out of bed and eat breakfast 12:00pm - clean up last night's dinner and any other chores around the house 1:00 pm - get dressed for the day 2:00pm - 4:00pm - run errands or take a nap 5:00pm - decide what I want to make for dinner 5:30pm - start preparing dinner 6:15pm- Collin comes home and we eat dinner and hang out for the rest of the night. My day starts all over at 7:45am.

Now, I know what you are thinking...what a lazy sack of bones. I have to let you know that I am at the point in my pregnancy where I sleep so little in the evening because I am either uncomfortable, having to use the bathroom, or suffering from indigestion. I probably wake up between 4 and 5 times per night and it takes about an hour to get back to sleep after I wake up. So, what I am trying to say is that i am not COMPLETELY lazy...I would like to describe it as taking time to enjoy myself and the peace and quiet of knowing that I don't have to be anywhere for anyone. This is awesome. I don't even get tired of it. I love it. I could go one whole week without leaving my house and I feel grrreat.

So, I am rubbing it in. I stay at home and I love it.

Huh?

On the last day of work, I had two very interesting clients. The first story is great. I had this couple come in in January and they were on the verge of divorce. Every session with them was a battle. They were constanty at each other's throats and I was sure they were not going to make it. After several sessions and several months they seemed unable to make it through their "impasse". Well, as a counselor, you have two options in this situation: you can continue to try to motivate them and take their money or you can let them know exactly where they are and what they need to do and let them decide what they want to do. I don't know what I said to them, but it was something along the lines of "I have done all I can do for you and you have to make the decision as to what you want for your relationship". Well, I hadn't heard from them in several months, and on the last day, they showed up in my office. I was shocked and surprised to hear that they had decided to stay together and they had made some significant changes in their relationship. They told me that I told them that they needed some divine intervention because they were beyond the point of communication skills and couple skills. They applied that suggestion and started going to church as a family, started having family home evening, started praying together, applied the couple skills we talked about, and their home was now running 10 times smoother than they previous months. I was so happy to hear that. They kept thanking me for saving their marriage, but I really don't think I had anything to do with it. They were the ones who made the decision to change their relationship and they finally made the personal shanges required to make a difference. Everyone has the ability to make choices....not everyone takes the opportunity.

So here is #2.... one of my male 12 year old clients listed off a series of illnesses he has experienced in the last 10 years. Here is part of the list: ADHD, West Nile Virus, Bipolar Disorder, Sore Mouth infection, and probably ten others that I missed because I was still stuck on the West Nile virus. It was weird. There are very few situations where I am weirded out, but htis was definately one of them. I think the kid I was counseling contributed to my lack of professionalism. Is it possible to catch the West Nile Virus in the states? Maybe I am just ignorant. I didn't know there was a such thing as Sore Mouth Infection either...apparently both of these viruses are highly contagious. I was a little worried.

What an interesting last day.

Why you should never agree to a makeover

left to right: Rosemay, Britton, and me. Notice the dramatic color contrast from neck to face.
Okay, this is Fall 1999 in Rexburg, Idaho. I was at the grocery store when this lady from Georgia walks up to me and says, "oh ma gawsh! You have to let me give you a makeover. I'm a Mary Kay consultant and I just love yer face!" I didn't know whether or not to be flattered or insulted by someone wanting to give me a makeover, so I reluctantly consented and told her she could come over to our apartment. Of course, she forces Jamie and Britton to do it with me. Maybe it was the bad lighting in our basement apartment, but she gave us bright red lipstick and really light foundation and we ended up looking like a Geisha. Doesn't even look good for almost 10 years ago. Not even close. So then she wants to take our pictures to enter us into a makeover contest where we could win a cruise and other things like that. This picutre is us politely letting her take our pictures, but we were laughing so hard that our eyes were squinting and our faces hurt. She probably thought we were laughing because we were having so much fun girl bonding. It was hilarious. Good times. I think we have a before shot of us looking "miserable". I'll have to find that. This was on Jamie's blog and I laughed so hard at the memory. We had a good time with this one.

baby shower

Thanks to everyone who attended my baby shower. It was great and I had a really good time. I especially want to thank my sister in law Emily and my friend Suzette for putting everything together for me. Thank you also for allowing me to have a shower without any games, at my request. I really appreciate the wonderful food and the time everyone took out of their day and schedules to come party with me. I am curious to know, if I send this link to everyone who attended, do I still have to write Thank You cards?

Poor, Poor Collin

None of my friends believe the story I am about to tell you. See this poor, sad blonde little boy on the left who looks like his father is shunning him and wants nothing to do with him? That is my sweetie, Collin in kindergarten. This is the story behind the picture. Poor little Collin had cowlicks all over his poor little head. His dad thought that getting a perm would solve little Collin's problems. When the subject of perming Collin's hair was brought up to mom, she flatly refused sensing the emotional damage her youngest son would suffer his whole life. So, while mom was in the hospital having her appendix removed, Collin was at the haridresser's. He can still remember sitting underneath the haridryer on phone books. While in the hospital, mom was greeted by SideShow Bob, aka Collin Webster. At first, she laughed, thinking Collin was wearing a wig, but reality soon set in that this was in fact her child. Poor Collin. He was teased and shunned by his schoolmates. Dad said he would drive by the playground and Collin would be sitting alone in the corner with no peers to play. Every time this story is told, it gets sadder and sadder because Collin suddenly remembers details from those few months he sported a perm. My heart goes out to all those kids whose parents gave them crazy hair. I too have my own tragedy that involves a Gheri curl and a 2nd grade picture. We'll save that for next time.

Family Pics continued

I didn't have room for Grams and Papa Bart so I gave them their own section. They are great in-laws. They are also a very good looking couple

Family Pics

the old ranch



me and collin



emily (collin's oldest sister) and david



rozalynn (collin's second oldest sister) and richard



ben (collin's older brother) and briar


We took some pictures up by the old ranch and at the gardens at BYU Idaho. It was a lot of fun. The pictures turned out great. For your viewing pleasure.....

Bad Thoughts

I had bad thoughts today. While I was in a session with a couple who was trying to decide if they wanted to stay married, I found myself drifting away in my own personal thoughts. I was picturing myself telling them both to grow up and and act like adults. I hate to see couples come in and be so defensive and so spiteful and so mean to each other that they can't resolve any of thier problems. Normally, I would say a prayer while I was listening that heavenly Father would bless me to be able to pick out what in their interaction they need to correct and how to say it in a way that will resonate. Eventually I remembered my purpose, but for a long moment I was thinking about how juvenile and petty and ridiculous they were. I have to admit, I have had some really bad thoughts about people since I have been pregnant. I stopped being nice about 5 months ago and I feel really badly about it. I lost all sense of remorse for things I have said and thoughts I have had. It hasn't been horrible: I don't think I hurt anyones feelings. It has mainly been comments or reactions that are out of character. I don't want to sound like I turned into a witch. In my pregnancy book, it said that you don't necessarily become emotional when pregnant but the hormones that are racing through your body act as a truth serum, possibly resulting in your emotions being expressed much more explicitly. I consider myself a pretty even tempered person, especially as I have gotten older, but now I just let everything out when people get on my nerves....especially people who consistently do dumb things. They are out there and they do exist. I think that some people's earthly challenge is stupidity. Those are the kind of thoughts that go on through my head quite frequently. When I stop myself, I realize that this is not a nice thing to say, and that people are not stupid, they just do things differently than I do and that is okay. That is the therapist part of me. I do feel compassion for people. I know it sounds like I don't have any for my clients, but it's just because I don't talk about those that I pray for every night or that I hug after every session.I am not a mean person..I just like to blog about the things that make me stop and think for a minute. No one ever asks me what is going on in my head, so I have to tell someone. If I have offended anyone over the last seven and a half months, or acted completely insensitive, I apologize. Hopefully I will be back to my old self again sometime soon and you will all forgive me.

This is us in Seattle visiting Chalonn and Heber. Snoqualmie Falls. It was a great trip

Things we like to do

We enjoy doing many things. One of the most things for us to do is listen to a book on tape. I know...we are soooo exciting. It all started about 2 years ago on the drive to Utah for Thanksgiving. We decided we wouldlisten to the DaVinci Code on CD. We absolutely loved it. It made the drive so much more tolerable. I don't know how many of you have taken that horrible, forsaken drive, but it is the pits. I don't think there was very much dialogue between the two of us because we were so enthralled. On the way home, we were suckered into the Godfather. It was great. What a stroy. It was a little scary at times, but for the most part, it was fascinating. There is something to letting your mind wander a little bit and forgetting about the stressors of life for a moment. Another fun thing we love doing is gong to the Paris hotel and casino. THere is a little shop that makes crepes. They make dinner crepes and dessert crepes. After you sift through the smoke and the cocktail waitresses, you can actually find small shops that are just wonderful. One thing I won't miss about Vegas is sifting through the gamblers. I have to admit, we are rarley on the Strip that often. We are usually there when we have company come into town or when friends want to see soemthing in particular. We have also been addicted to some reality shows. American Idol was our favorite for a while, but since it is summer, we have to settle for So You Think You Can dance. That show is pretty darn good. Some people can dance so wonderfully. What a talent. When we are in other parts of the U.S. suitable for walking, we love to go on walks and watch the sunset. One of best places is in Rexburg. The burg has the most beautiful sunsets and the most wonderful summer weather. The nights get perfect temperature and the air is so fresh. We love going to see Emily's boys. They are so much fun to be around and to play with. they have the best sense of humor and they are all so different. Barnes and Noble is one of our favorite places. Red Rock National Park is another favorite. We like to explore our surrounding areas. If we are in a new city, even visiting, we love to explore. We still explore parts of Las Veags even though we have been here for years. These are a few of our favorite things.

Do you tan?

So, last week all the girls in Collin's family went to Sun Valley for a girls' trip. This trip included me, Ben's wife Briar, Rozalynn, and Emily. We had a great time. The weather was perfect and I ended up with two wonderful massages and a pedicure. I have never had a pedicure in my life. My toes are looking so HOT!! Anyway, while I was getting my pedicure, the lady who was going to massage me came in and introduced herself. I didn't know what to think of her...she looked like (my mother in law says it best) the cleaning lady. She was older and frumpy and I knew I was in for a treat.
I walk into the massage room, and as I am sitting there stark naked, she asked me..well, I'll dialogue the conversation for you so you get the picture:

CL: Do you tan?
ME: (in utter confusion) What?
CL: Do you tan?
ME: (Still confused) Well, I was out by the pool the other day...
CL: Because you are really dark.
ME: What?
CL: You are really dark. I lived in Africa for a while and I learned that there are several degrees of dark and I have to say that you are really dark.
ME: Yeah....

Interesting conversation. Does anyone else think this was kinda weird? I was so confused by her line of questioning, that I don't think I knew how to be offended at that moment. I am still confused as I write it. What was her point in telling me how dark I was? Am I really that dark? I like to consider myself a nice brown sort of color. IS there something wrong with being really dark? How does she really know how dark I am if the lights were off in the massage room?

My advice: Don't get a massage from the cleaning lady. i will post a picture of my toes. Adios.

New little person

So, I think everyone knows that we are having a little baby. We are waiting until the baby is born to reveal the sex. I have to tell you that this has been a really interesting experience. I am due October 13. We will be in Washington D.C. by then and I am excited to have a change of scenery. The one thing I am not excited about is having to make new friends. I have so many wodnerful people I ahve met through school, work and church and I will miss them all so much. Such is life, right? Anyway, I thought I would update my blog really quickly. I feel the baby move all the time. He/she has sucha sense of humor. It moves all day every day, but when I aks it to move so Collin can feel it, it stops moving. The last couple of ultrasounds have been really cool to watch. We saw the baby yawn and kick me and move and do wierd things with its mouth. It was pretty fun. It's crazy to think that that kid has a whole life down there and it's perfectly content.

I once saw a blog where someone posted their ultrasound. IT was really weird. Maybe it was weird because it wasn't mine. It was still pretty funky. We are thinking about getting one of those 4D ultrasounds so we can see what the baby looks like,but those can be pretty scary sometimes. So here is what I really wanted to blog about.

When I told a couple people that we ahd some complications in the beginning of the pregnancy, I really expected people to just sympathize and hope that things would work out okay for us. Instead, I had comments like this...
"Oh my sister had those same complications and the doctor told her she would be fine and her baby died a week later"
or
"My mom had complications and her baby made it to full term and then it died within a couple hours"
or
"The same thing happened to me and I was sure it was going to be a miscarriage and I prepared myself for it"

What would possess people to tell me a story like that? Does anyone esle think that is weird? I would never tell a person horror stories if I knew they were concerned for the welfare of their unborn baby. I understand that people are tryigng to offer moral support to their friends, but seriously!!!!! I just want you all to be aware of this phenomena so you don't become one of those people. It is not encouraging to hear those kinds of things. It is also not encouraging to hear a friend say..
"YOu think you are haivng a hard time now, just wait until the next couple of weeks because you are going to be absolutely miserable! You have no idea how miserable you are going to be"

Why would you tell me this? What goes through a person's mind? Honestly, I have had some moments when I have really wondered "what the heck is going on with my body?" but I have not had a hard time and I think its because I have chosen to look at pregnancy as a great and fabulous thing and wonderful thing and not soemthing that causes you to be absolutely miserable for nine months. If you have those thoughts running through your head, imagine what your baby must be feeling? Your kid is going to come out thinking he's nothing but a burden to his family. I do think that pregnancy can cause you to feel miserable, but honestly, how many of us are to the point of death for the whole nine months? These are my feelings. Please try to say only uplifting things to me because I am tired of hearing about people's horrible birth and pregnancy stories. Only share positive ones. Thanks.

A little bit about myself

Here is a picture of us in Nice two Christmas' ago. It was very chilly, but it was great. I think we spent Christmas day in Nice and New Year's in Rome. We were also pick-pocketed in Nice, so it had its goods and bads.

I decided that I would write a little bit abut myself. I know this sounds vain, but I realized that I listen to people talk about themselves everyday, but no one ever asks me about me. So, I decided that you get to hear about me. I have been reflecting on my life the last couple days, and realized that I have a great one. Both Collin and I have finished graduate school, we have great careers, we are expecting a little baby in October, we live in a city that never sleeps, we have great friends, we are both healthy, we never go without, we live in a prosperous and great country, we really have a great realtionship, and have a knowledge of the truthfulness of the gospel. It's hard to remember all of the wonderful things you have when the world is so focused on pointing out our personal flaws and getting them "lasered" or implanted in some way or form. Every time I watch the news, I am reminded of how wonderful a message the prophet has in reminding us to be positive and happy. Even when the world seems like it is horrible, there are so many things for which to be greatful.
I realized that even though there are some things that make me cringe when I think of them, I would not trade any life experiences or choices I made for anything in the world. One of those decisions was to marry Collin. This is a little personal, but I was thinking about how licky I am to have him. I was suddenly struck with this thought.....as much as I get frustrated with Collin and as much as he bothers the heck out of me sometimes, I try to look at him the way God sees him. I am sure that in the preexistence, Collin was so perfect...such a strong and valiant and powerful sprit. I am sure he was such an important part of our Heavenly Father's plan and God knew he could count on him to be a great member of this church and to continue to build his kingdom and entrusted him with these responsibilites. I believe the imperfections of mortality and humanity clud my vision of what Collin really is like. I am clouded with his insecurities, my insecurities, and my personal frustrations. Suddenly I am filled with this desire to be his equal and counterpart, for someone of such integrity and potential needs someone equally as worthy. I am motivated to see him differently and understand him more and appreciate him more. I still have to remind myself that we are all human and I need to look at him that way, but I live it when I don't have to force myself to remember and it comes to me naturally like when he is asleep. I know htat sounds rude, but what I mean is that it is quiet and I don't have any distractions around to cloud my perfect vision on him. what a great feeling.

what about Bob?

Collin and I decided that our lives could be a movie.
I have a client that makes me feel like Richard Dreyfuss in What about Bob? It's a story about a therapist who has a psycho client who follows his family on vacation and drives him mad. I have a client that somehow calls my cell phone number, writes letters to members of her Stake Presidency regarding her church records and tells them to call me if they have any questions, opposes the sustaining of her bishop in church at every ward conference, drives my secretaries mad, and leaves me about 6 messages a week. I started out with great compassion, but now I pull my hair out on a regular basis. My supervisor laughs at the whole situation. He seems to find humor in it.
As for Collin, he interviewed with the CIA and couldn't say much about the interview itself except for "everything yousee in the movies about the CIA and its secrecy is true". I thought that was interesting. If a camera crew followed him around it would be like that movie The good Shepard or The bourne Identity. There are a couple of other things that I am not at liberty to say right now, but it is incredibly creepy and funny. I will add it to my blog in a couple of weeks.
In St. George a couple weeks ago, we ran into some polygamists and i tried to take some pictures of them on my cell phone. They were the typical kind you think of when you hear of Warren Jeffs...long dresses and long hair. I have never seen a plyg before and i have to admit, it's quite fascinating. I know it is rude to stare and take pictures....I would hate it if someone did that to me, but it really was incredible. I wish someone had a camera and follwoed us around that day. The interesting thing about that experience is that I think the plygs were just as fascinated by me as I was by them.

old patterns

I had an interesting experience this week. I guess I should preface this experience with the story of my tow year battle. For the last two years I have really struggled with something. I have struggled with being happy with who I am. I have always felt like I never really belong. Maybe I don't feel like I don't belong, necessarily, but I have always felt like I am a little part of everything and every group I come into contact with. In high school I was a jock/orchestra geek/brainiac and i was friends with the goths, the jocks, the cholos, the jewish kids, and the gangsters. I never belonged to one particular group. I have always felt this way and I have always been fine with it.....till recently. I would go to work and hear the women at work talk about women wasting their lives on marriageand children. I would go to church and hear women in my presidency talk about how women who work did nothing important or significant because they didn't stayhome with their children. Again, I was in the middle. I always imagined my life with a house full of great kids while pursuing additional goals like having a great career. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had to choose. I really didn't like that feeling.

I would go to Bunko and the girls there would be taling about their families and everything they did with their children, then go to work the next day and hear my colleagues talk about some of the most challenging academic experiences they have ever had. I remember having a conversation with a member of my husband's family about maybe getting a doctorate someday and feeling like it was somewhat taboo....then I would talk to a member of my family of origin and they would tell me that i would never be anything until i had a doctorate. talk about mixed messages.

I cried over this, and I prayed over this, and I flet anxious and nervous whenever I was around one of the two groups. After two years, this light bulb kinda flashed in my head and I realized that it has nothing to do with these tow groups of people and everything to do with me. As long as I was happy with my life and my accomplishments, it matter what other people thought. This brings me back to my original thought.

I had a session with this black lady who told me all the things she hated about other black members of the church. She listed several things and I quickly realized that everything she listed was a description of my life. I suddenly felt so small. It was horrible. After about ten minutes of lisening to her, I thought "I have to make sure her personal opinions do not influence the way I treat her". I went home that night and thought about the expereince. I tried to figure out why I felt so distraught earlier and i realized that I hate the thought of being judged. I hate the thoguht of someone assuming certain things about me when they could actually take the time to get to know me and appreciate that we have so much in common. Then I remembered that I need to be happy with myself and that is all that really matters. THe minute that thought came into my head, I felt a peace of mind. I thought i had learned that lesson a while ago, but it seems to come back in other ways. I thought that was interesting.

You already know the answer

People come into my office and expect me to tell them what to do. I NEVER tell people what to do. I think we all know what needs to be done, we just want people to validate our feelings. I really do believe that our natural instinct guides us with all aspects of our lives..from what we eat to who we date.

I had an experience when I was an adolescent. I decided to do something I felt was probably not the best option for me because someone I trusted really wanted me to do. It wasn't a bad thing that they asked me, it just wasn't the right thing for me and I knew it. I did it, and that one choice spiraled into a series of horrible mistakes I will never forget or be rid of. I regret it to this day and I kick myself in the pants because I didn't listen to my instinct. I have rarely if ever made that mistake from that day forward.

My point is that we already know the answers but we doubt ourselves. If we would just act on it, we learn to rely on our instinct more often and we would learn to trust it more often. We wouldn't have to rely on others to validate us. All of the validation would come from inside.

Control

I am ahuge fan of old school Janet Jackson. One of her best songs came on and my brain started working. It was her first single..."Control". I love that song. I started to think of the reasons why Janet could have written that song. We all know that Janet is from one dysfunctional household (which dysfunctional families are not technically "dys"functional because they still manage to function in some way, shape or form..I guess the technical term would be maladaptive).
What I started to think was that Janet felt a need to have or feel some control over thier lives. I would imagine that everyone wants to feel control over their lives and their future and their destiny. What amazes me is that despite the fact that they want to feel control, they continue to place real or imagined expectations onto themselves. I will give you an example...some women think that they need to be the perfect mother. By perfect they mean the most organized, or the cleanest house or the best behaved kids or no fights with their spouses. I don't get it. Why place the expectation on yourself to be perfect and then complain that you can't be? Why not rid yourself of the expectation and be happy with where you are? Even if your house is not perfect and your kids are not the best does not mean that you can't work towards those goals. Why do people assume they can't work towards those things without killing themselves?
Men come in and expect to be able to afford the nicest houses or the fanciest cars or the latest electronics and kill themselves to get it because of some arbitrary expectation by others? These expectations will drive you to work twice as much as you should and then kill yourself for not having enough family time. The people you surround yourself with may also contribute to your crazy expectations. I choose to surround myself with people who don't compete with each other and who can appreciate what they have.
I learned a long time ago that you can't please everyone and as long as you compare yourself to others, you will never be good enough. Why even continue to perpetuate them? Why not focus on being the best Rosie, or Carly, or Jeniffer , or Beth? You don't have to worry about continuously compare.
I think that true control of your life is being free of imagined or other's expectations and focusing on being the best person you can be. That is true happiness. Being miserable is the constant need to keep up with those around you or setting unrealistic expectations.